I Rate That: Captain Phillips.

I don’t think this is getting the credit it deserves. I attempt to dazzle you cretins with my witticisms and sharp observations and it goes unnoticed. What is a semi-unemployed writer to do?

Simmonds Procrastinates

Hanks shirtless and sporting a beard as Captain Phillips Hanks shirtless and sporting a beard as Captain Phillips

Yes, I recently watched the latest, and most unexpected, installment of The Pirates of The Caribbean Sega. It is a modern day re-imagining of the Disney classic that follows a hilariously curmudgeon Sea-captain on his voyage in search of the legendary ‘Horn of Africa,’ which once played, will grant the musician a shit-ton of cash. Innovative and fresh, the new timeframe in which the film is set (2009) may indicate that the golden age of piracy has finally rusted and that these slapstick tales of pirate-pillaging need a newer domain. In a sense, it is comparable to the Call of Duty franchise; Modern Warfare was introduced because history gets boring after a while.

Unfortunately for some, it does seem as though Peter Greengrocer has put the final nail into Captain Jack Sparrow’s coffin by replacing him with the more mature Captain…

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BIC 1 Sensitive: I rate that.

Say ‘bon voyage’ to that facebush with the streamlined BIC 1 Sensitive army-issue shaving utensil. This solid polyethylene badboy does not fuck about. Its handheld, manual-action interface implements a minimalist structure and single laser-precise blade which makes short work of that persistent upper-lip peachfuzz; imagine an AK-47 combined with a Samurai sword. This multi-use machine is ideal for lips, nips and dicks and escorts unwanted body-hair off of the premises. Deadly yet sensitive, it gently kisses your skin with the ferocity of a Bengal tiger and looks good while doing it. The chic design introduces orange to white; really breaking the mold for razor kind everywhere; it says “I have stubble, and I want it gone. capisce?”

There she is sport fans, there she is.

There she is sport fans, there she is.

Portable and easy-to-use, it looks good in a hand-bag, in a pocket, even holstered next your side iron. I thought I’d take the engineering prowess of the BIC 1 out for a face-based testdrive.

Bracing for impact.

Bracing for impact.

Face lathered, ready for anything. I place the saber onto my cheek and wait for that sweet kiss from Ms Metal.

The aftermath

The aftermath

Cleanest shave I’ve ever had. Without doubt. Hardly any bloodloss and the blade is ready for more. Slap on a bit of aftershave and think of England. Wash the hair off and pop the razor in the fridge . The battle’s not over, the hair’ll be back with a vengeance. I just pray that the majesty of the BIC Beauty will tough-out my chin-mane.

Thanks for reading. I give the BIC 1 Sensitive 14.74/16 on the ‘Simmonds shave scale’. Happy Hair-removing.